B, Thought Vomit
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A Two Dollar Win Kind of Day

These days I’ve been listening to Spotify radio stations of Andy Grammar’s Good To Be Alive, John Legend’s Everybody Knows, and Ella Henderson’s Ghost.

Twenty sixteen started out with breaking the one hundred thirty pound average weight (plus minus five, it settles on one twenty nine), relearning the novelty of gliding on ice, and feeling like the cool new kid that everybody wanted to get to know. It was clear and beautiful, like sunlit snowy days, and going to work feeling good about your clear, dewy skin. Keith Urban’s Somebody Like You. Buzzing, light energy.

But just around the corner was a sharp drop, and I fell. Predictably, I’m binge eating while watching Family Guy up to two in the morning. It’s been a terrible past few days, with the last straw being a phone call that was a welcome reality check, but emotionally exhausting (too exhausting) after a long day at work and class. I’m just tired these days, and needing to crawl into a shell and simply, be.

Twenty sixteen intimidates me. I have big hopes for the year, plans which will come at a high price. I wonder if it will be worth it, especially since the consequences of these decisions may follow me five or (hopefully not) ten years down the road. How much do I want to change directions? And yet, I don’t want to go back to interior design. I know what I want because of it, and I know what I don’t want because of it. It all makes sense to me, but the money part makes it so difficult. While I considered the logistics before, it’s hitting me hardest right now. If only I won the billion dollar Powerball lottery! It seems like the best thing that could happen for my grad school plans, taking care of my family, and the worst thing that could happen to my dating life. On top of filtering the ones who make good company, I’ll have to figure out who wants me for the money.

Dating. More or less I’ve been exploring the dating world for a month, and it almost feels pointless. I’ve realized more about myself, and what I’m looking for, which has made it all worthwhile. But even if getting to know people is exciting, it’s tiring. The experience of dating includes sifting through so many people (not to make the process sound so… dismissive though), conversing with a few, getting excited, getting bored, and just going through and going through people while some of the ones you like just fade away or don’t like you back. That’s where I’m at right now. I’ll probably continue exploring this thing, but in its proper priority level (which is low, compared to other things I need to focus on). And quite frankly, how I feel about it right now is: why bother?

On the plus side, I won $2 from the lottery. I love the people I work with, and have gotten a hang of working produce and The Wall (much like GoT’s) at my current job (Trader Joe’s!), and continue to be mistaken for a twenty three year old. It weirds me out when a few customers joke whether I’m old enough to charge them for liquor, but I’ll take that over looking several years more weathered from the concerns of student debt and the stress of having kids. (it’s an interesting guessing game when I ask to see people’s IDs for when they buy alcohol, and the age shows on some more than others)

This year, I want to be excited about the possibilities of my grad school curriculum, and how I can study people, relationships, and behaviors through it and through other resources. People are truly fascinating. Since I’m on my tenth week of the bikini body workout (it sort of shows, and then hides itself beneath a layer of fat because I’m not strict with the diet portion), I plan to continue it, and either go through the twelve weeks all over again or level up. Spider pushups and commandos are the death of me, but it feels good to be stronger. At the very least, I want to come out of 2016 feeling better about my body, diving in-depth in research about *something* about relationships, and being more connected with my colleagues and the local community somehow. And to be able to see God beneath, above, or even through everything the year holds.

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