Thought Vomit
Comment 1

Stuck

Last year’s May 29th found me as a tourist, wandering around New York city with Isa. When we weren’t out, I’d be researching my next best option for classes in Seattle or Boston because my farming arrangement didn’t push through. But it was great. The freedom and lightness were bothered only slightly by the anxiety of not ending up with a class, and the worry of wasting my short time in the USA. Even if I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, it was a good place. If I knew that I’d have to plant myself in New York then, I would have been so focused on getting everything together that I probably wouldn’t even have left the Philippines, with all the preparations to be done.

It feels like the time to talk about the glorious year that was. It’s about time. Maybe I need to remind myself of it because of where I’ve been the past few weeks, and it hasn’t been a good place. I realize, though, that when it comes to things like work and resource-related situations, I have to fight for it, but I can be hopeful. But that struggle is nothing compared to the difficulty in being hopeful with people. With relationships. Right now I’m just not hopeful about many things, or I’ve just trained myself to not think about them. I’ve been happy, genuinely happy. And I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing year where questions that were so… Ultimate to me, were answered. And yet I choose to stay down these past few weeks. I can’t write about one of the best years of my life so far, because I don’t feel like myself.

I’m in a dark cloud again, and it gets harder to convince myself to get up each time. It’s been the plague of my life, and it’s brought about a sadness that’s forgotten for a time but never really goes away. I keep trying to get past it by considering it differently, letting go, forgiving… But nothing has changed. It’s still the way it’s been. I still smell the smoke, hear the same old words, and can’t help feeling the pain/anger/exhaustion/exasperation. When it comes to relationships, how can you ever be free? I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but I can’t untangle myself.

Here are some things I’ve been thinking about lately:

Why are we so selfish?

Why is hope the way to overcome pain?

Why are faith and hope so important, and what distinguishes them from the other?

If we know that the other person is also selfish, like us, why bother?

Why is it so difficult to focus on what’s true? To hope in a living hope?

For as long as we’re in this life, will there always be groaning?

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1 Comment

  1. BHT says

    Despite me missing your tremendously, I’m so glad you found yourself in NY. I don’t think you would have grown as much as an individual have you not taken that leap of faith.

    “I realize, though, that when it comes to things like work and resource-related situations, I have to fight for it, but I can be hopeful.”– Between intelligence and a strong work ethic/tenacity, it is the latter that causes people to endure; and therefore, get the job done. Also, work is a more controlled environment, i.e., we can adapt and/or modify it according to our needs.

    “But that struggle is nothing compared to the difficulty in being hopeful with people. With relationships.” — Yes, because we can’t control or change people. People are volatile by nature. While I don’t expect much from people, I still have hope that in the billions of people out there, there are genuinely godly people (and I’m not talking about the preachy/thou-shalt-thou-shant Christians).

    For the sake of our old time discussions, here’s some of my thoughts on the questions you’ve posted (and I’m trying to be as succinct here as possible –though perhaps failing miserably).

    Why are we so selfish? –I’m sure there are many reasons for this, but one of which is because humanity has a very limited and narrow perspective that causes him/her to think that the end product should always be to his/her benefit (otherwise, why bother with the effort, right? says logic)

    Why is hope the way to overcome pain? “Hope stirs up the mind that it may be strong, bold, courageous, that it may suffer and endure adversity, waiting for better things.” It is to believe that despite the pain, it will get better.

    Why are faith and hope so important, and what distinguishes them from the other? –I found this website that lists down its differences: http://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/luther/difference_between_faith_and_hope.htm and I would have to say that it’s a pretty good explanation.

    If we know that the other person is also selfish, like us, why bother? –Because we are to love others, and in doing so, teach them what it is to love and be selfless.

    Why is it so difficult to focus on what’s true? To hope in a living hope? –Because we are constantly bombarded by lies that attempt to distract us from truth. Because we are stubborn. Because we forget what having a living hope truly means.

    For as long as we’re in this life, will there always be groaning? –Yes, because we know the promise for eternity and nothing in this reality will ever match to that. We are impatient that way; therefore, we groan and complain.

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