Last year’s May 29th found me as a tourist, wandering around New York city with Isa. When we weren’t out, I’d be researching my next best option for classes in Seattle or Boston because my farming arrangement didn’t push through. But it was great. The freedom and lightness were bothered only slightly by the anxiety of not ending up with a class, and the worry of wasting my short time in the USA. Even if I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, it was a good place. If I knew that I’d have to plant myself in New York then, I would have been so focused on getting everything together that I probably wouldn’t even have left the Philippines, with all the preparations to be done.
It feels like the time to talk about the glorious year that was. It’s about time. Maybe I need to remind myself of it because of where I’ve been the past few weeks, and it hasn’t been a good place. I realize, though, that when it comes to things like work and resource-related situations, I have to fight for it, but I can be hopeful. But that struggle is nothing compared to the difficulty in being hopeful with people. With relationships. Right now I’m just not hopeful about many things, or I’ve just trained myself to not think about them. I’ve been happy, genuinely happy. And I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing year where questions that were so… Ultimate to me, were answered. And yet I choose to stay down these past few weeks. I can’t write about one of the best years of my life so far, because I don’t feel like myself.
I’m in a dark cloud again, and it gets harder to convince myself to get up each time. It’s been the plague of my life, and it’s brought about a sadness that’s forgotten for a time but never really goes away. I keep trying to get past it by considering it differently, letting go, forgiving… But nothing has changed. It’s still the way it’s been. I still smell the smoke, hear the same old words, and can’t help feeling the pain/anger/exhaustion/exasperation. When it comes to relationships, how can you ever be free? I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but I can’t untangle myself.
Here are some things I’ve been thinking about lately:
Why are we so selfish?
Why is hope the way to overcome pain?
Why are faith and hope so important, and what distinguishes them from the other?
If we know that the other person is also selfish, like us, why bother?
Why is it so difficult to focus on what’s true? To hope in a living hope?
For as long as we’re in this life, will there always be groaning?