What am I doing here, God?
For over a month, work has been insane. For a while, I wondered whether it was only me going through it, but I guess that’s just the way things are if you’re in architecture that specializes in retail design and project management. It’s been legitimately hard though, because my project manager did admit that she’s been driving the team hard. Deadlines have me working late frequently, to the point that sometimes I feel more computer than human. Scrutinizing drawings on screen and on paper all day have my eyes strained like never before. Lines are forming beneath my eyes, and they ache even on the weekend. At night, more than thrice have I been terrified by nightmares of finding white hair. It’s funny, but it’s one of my worst fears. The reality of aging is much harder to accept when you’re in a city that speeds up the process. In New York, you either walk fast, or get overtaken rudely.
AND SO. I found myself ranting to my family friends about difficulties, suspicions, and the weeks of feeling discouraged, exhausted, and rejected. It’s alright to let it out and share what I’m going through for the sake of my sanity, but I need to be wise choosing the words, or I’ll just end up complaining, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
What am I doing here?
That’s a question I’ve asked God a lot, during good and bad times. Of all the places to be at, in this city that’s larger than it looks, why here, God? What’s the purpose? I still don’t know. But for now, through the suffering, I’ve learned these things about myself and about life:
- Pleasing people affects me more than I realize. When my boss is satisfied, my heart sings. I need to be careful about this, or I’ll be working for the approval/praises of people, and all the effort will be wasted.
- Even if I think of myself as someone who doesn’t take things personally, I need to take work less personally. I work with great people, but because they’re also human, they get tired. I need to consider their exhaustion when I try to understand their behavior.
- When I don’t talk share about what I’m going through, I feel even more alone and dying. What’s already bad feels exponentially worse when I carry it on my own.
- I underestimate prayer. But I’m learning that when people cover you with prayers, it’s like being covered by a warm and fluffy blanket. :3
- In the hardest of the suffering, do I long for God the most?
I was reading a psalm of David, when he was in the desert of Judah. I admire David, but I sometimes don’t like him because his consuming love for God makes it more obvious that mine isn’t quite there. Then again, why am I comparing my love, when it’s a personal story for each of us with God. This is a dark side to my competitive nature.
ANYWAY. When the going gets rough, I want to be able to say,
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
On a happy note, the week ended well. I’ve really been doing my best to understand the language of the brand I’m helping to handle, and it’s finally paying off, no matter how slowly. My AutoCAD skills are better than I’d ever thought they could be, and I can detail the hell out of furniture and architectural plans. There’s still a lot that I don’t know, but I’m thankful that the growing awareness of my ignorance is closely followed by a growing knowledge that takes its place.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I don’t understand the present, the purpose, the place, the people, and the situation.
The view from one of our client’s offices, thirty seven floors above Manhattan. Central Park is green again!